Episode 72: Citizen Gorn

Lt. Cmdr. Georgie “Rainbow” LaGrange normally used the ship’s built-in recorder for his personal recordings, but he needed to test his portable recorder so he could sell it on FleetBay®. He wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t want to have to sell the device “as is.”

He pressed Record. “Dear Diary, I really hope this thing works so I don’t have to record this all over again. Plus, it’s worth 150 credits if it’s not broken. Don’t let me down.

“Things continue to get better and better as time goes on. My FleetLingo™ language learning is going really well, I’m continuing to make new friends, I’ve been upgraded to a top-level meal plan, I had an even better birthday party this year… things have really been going swimmingly!

“First of all, I finally did the long-awaited new episode of my book review podcast. All I’ve had the time to read lately is Gorn tech manuals, but it felt good to talk about them. To my surprise, the mepisode got really good reviews. I’m currently working on another episode. I’ll probably record it in the next day or two. Definitely not on this thing, though.

“So, we finished installing the new engines this past week, and boy are they messed up. We assembled it 100% according to the specs, and it’s been disastrous. I mean, I don’t know who designed that intake manifold, but that one thing alone caused many of the most serious problems.

“I could tell something was wrong right from the get-go due to the noise it made when we flipped the switch. It sounded like this: Errrrr ooooo errrrr ooooo errrrr ooooo errrrr kachunk kachunk kachunk kachunk kachunk kachunk kachunk kachunk. Definitely less than optimal.

“I suppose it could be worse; it could’ve been like that fungus drive they installed in the U.S.S. Verydisco. I never could get that stuff off the soles of my shoes. Disgusting. How anything could achieve warp drive with… oh, never mind. Dr. Brightidea says I should stop lingering on other people’s problems. So I guess I’ll linger on ours.

“For one thing, the timing chain was loose. Not a big deal, right? Tell that to Stacy, who had to thread in the stupid thing, on her back, under the engine, twice (forgot to use metric units the first time). She deserves a medal.

“Then a tribble got into the console and chewed up the wires. I didn’t even know the mangy critters had teeth! That set us back a week while we a) installed new wires, b) re-assembled the console, and c) waited for PESSSSST CONTROL to take care of the tribbles themselves. We had to do it in a “cruelty free” way so as to not set off our activist crewmembers.

“Then the plasma coil inducer lights weren’t working. Every time I replaced one bulb, another one would go out. We did this for five days. I was pulling my hair out, but Clarence figured it out: turned out the problem was the inducer itself. The part was faulty, so it kept shorting out the lights at random. Once we replaced it, everything was fine.

“After that, the cylinders stopped firing. To this day, we have no clue what happened, but while we were working on something completely unrelated, Jason accidentally smacked the side of the engine with a torque wrench, and they started firing again. We’re not asking any questions.

“I could be here all day talking about this fiasco. I’ve only scratched the surface of all the stuff that was going wrong. Those were just the first few things that popped into my head. It felt like a thousand different problems were all happening at once, but the majority of them fell into the category of small fixable problems (or SFPs as I like to call them). We’re still working on the bigger ones, but I don’t have the time (or hard drive space) to go into all that.

“The repairs are going pretty well, though. In the process, I’ve introduced the Gorn to duct tape, and they’ve really embraced it, even more than I expected. Candace made an entire apron out of it! We’re basically ordering it in bulk through FleetEx®. I’m on a first name basis with the delivery drivers at this point.

“However, I do have one other problem: my work visa is expiring soon. Like, really soon. I hadn’t been paying attention, and it sneaked up on me. It doesn’t help that I still can’t make sense of the Gorn stardate system. Eustace said he’d help me make an app that would display both stardates side by side, but we’ve both been so busy, that too slipped by.

“Long story short, starting tomorrow, I have to sit around and do nothing until a Fleet ship arrives, whichever one they’re sending. The engineering crew said they’d love me to just hang around while they work, but I don’t know… if I see something I could do, then I’d want to do it, and I could really screw things up. I hate to leave anything unfinished, but my hands are tied.

“So, I’ve finally decided to just take the plunge and apply for dual citizenship. It’ll make things way easier. None of that pesky renewing visas and stuff. I already have sponsors (thank you so much, Steve and Nancy), so this should go fairly smoothly. I hope. Cindy says that Gorn immigrations are relatively speedy compared to anything involving the Fleet. But then again, just about anything is quicker than the Fleet’s bureaucratic processes.

“Meanwhile, I’ve been added to the Gornlings educational artwork committee. It isn’t technically work, so hopefully it shouldn’t be a problem. It’ll give me something to do to pass the time this next week or two.

“I’ve got the best crew in the Gorn fleet. These last few years have really been a process of getting together the best Gorn for every job, and they really have stepped up to the challenge. They’ve proven time and time again that they can do anything they have to do to keep the Gornucopia running.

“I’ve never felt more at home.”