Episode 30: Okay, Captain, We’ve Had a Problem Here
Captain’s Blog, Stardate… um… does anybody have a watch? I left mine back on the… oh, never mind. Anyways, we have just rescued Captain Safeway from certain kidnapping by a man whose name I dare not utter, as it will cause the season to end abruptly. We were just about to leave for starbase Deep Space Seven-Eleven when it was reported to me that the engines won’t start. I am going down to Engineering to try and figure out the source of the problem.
“Engineering, please,” the Captain said as the elevator doors closed.
“What are you gonna do?” the elevator replied. “You made a D in Basic Engineering Concepts.”
“Hey… what are you doing reading my Academy transcripts?”
“What can I say, Captain… an elevator gets bored sometimes.”
Note to self: cut off the Elevator’s access to main memory banks. “Anyways, not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going down there to see what’s wrong, and oversee the process of resolution. Now get a move on; we’ve got to get to the starbase ASAP.”
“Alright… I guess that’s what you’re here for.”
The elevator began moving.
“The incident with the antacids and the hockey sticks was pretty funny.”
“Yeah, that was a pretty good pra– Stay outta my personal files!”
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Clerk finally emerged from the elevator, and was immediately approached by Reely O. Riley, the Chief Assistant Engineer.
“Captain! Good to see you here,” Riley began.
“So… what are we dealing with?” Clerk asked, doing his best to put away his elevator-flavored rancor.
“Well, we’re not quite sure yet. There was a small explosion near the back of the core, and a bunch of sparks flying all over the place, but I mean, that’s normal for a Friday, so we didn’t pay it much attention. Then it started idling really slowly, and then it just cut off, and we can’t get it back on. Cecil’s back there yelling at it right now.”
So that’s what that sound is…
Cecil emerged from the bowels of the engine core, covered in grease and dilithium powder, and holding various broken engine parts.
“What’s the prognosis, doc?” Clerk asked.
“SSSSSIR, IT LOOKSSSSS LIKE SSSSSOMETHING WASSSS WRONG WITH THE SSSSSTARTER AND THE ALTERNATOR! I’VE REPLACSSSSSED THE PARTSSSSS BUT THE ENGINE’SSSSS NOT CRANKING! WE NEED SSSSSOMEBODY TO JUMP USSSSS OFF SSSSSO WE CAN GET GOING!”
“Wait a minute,” said Clerk. “Don’t we have one of those emergency jump-start thingies?”
“We do…” Riley said with a little embarrassment. “But we loaned it out to the Funkytown last season and haven’t seen it since.”
They still have my tape deck too. “Okay, so… we just need to radio Fleet Headquarters and see if we can get somebody out here.”
“SSSSSORRY SSSSSIR! I DID WHAT I COULD! ALMOST LOST A CLAW WORKING ON THISSSSS SSSSSTUPID THING TOO!”
“Oh yeah,” said Riley. “I shoulda warned ya about that part.”
That reminds me… I need to re-schedule the OSHA Compliance Meeting.
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“I’m sorry, Admiral Placãrd isn’t in right now. Would you like his voicemail?”
“Well, this is an emergency. Is there somebody else I can talk to?”
“Let me look. Hold, please.”
Clerk waited through several minutes of lite jazz until the receptionist finally returned.
“Captain, I have Admiral Safeway on the line.”
Great. The man that could have been my father-in-law. What else can go wrong?
“This had better be good, James Clerk. I’m missing a round of golf right now,” the Admiral said with the least amount of palpable enthusiasm possible in human speech.
“Apologies for the interruption, Mr. Sa– I mean, Admiral. My ship is stuck out here in orbit around one of Alpha Beta IV 1/2’s moons. Our engine is dead and we’re in dire need of a jump-off.”
“Typical,” Admiral Safeway said with scorn. “Let me see who’s around you.”
Clerk sweated bullets while he waited for a result.
“Well, it looks like you’re the only ship in the sector, Captain. I can send… let’s see… the Citation, but it’ll take a few days for it to get out there.”
“Understood. Thank–”
Safeway cut off the transmission before Clerk could even finish.
Why is it we’re always the only ship in the sector? It’s like they’re all coordinated to stay away from us.
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Clerk arrived at Sick Bay just as Kathy Safeway was checking out.
“Oh, nice to see you Jimi,” she said with a little surprise.
“I was just coming by to see how you were recovering. It looks like you’re doing alright.” At least this was a Safeway that Clerk could stand to talk to.
“So what’s going on with the ship? I heard we’re having some engine trouble.”
“Yeah… we’re a sitting duck at the moment. There’s a ship on its way to help us, but it’s a few days out.”
“Why is it the Secondprize is always the only ship in its sector?”
“I dunno, Kathy… anyways, it looks like we’ve got some time to kill.”
“Well… we could go and get a bite to eat. I’m getting pretty hungry.” Safeway’s face suddenly lit up. “Oh, I know! Let’s go to the holodeck! I’ll order the restaurant, you order the meal.”
Utter confusion crossed Clerk’s face. “Holo-what?”
“You know… a holodeck. One of those rooms where you can program it to be anywhere you want it to be. Simulates environments and all that. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of one. They’re standard issue these days.”
“Uh… I guess not. Do we have one of those?”
“Can’t keep Ensign Rondo out of there,” Dr. Flüshaht interrupted. “He’s always programming it to be red-carpet movie award events where he’s the main attraction.”
That would explain those sunglasses he’s always wearing. “Well… I guess we could do that.”
Safeway began to giggle.
“What?”
“You’re so behind the times, Jimi. Anyways… I’ll meet you down there at 7pm. Don’t be late!”
“Yeah, um… okay…” Clerk was beginning to get nervous. “But just remember… this isn’t a date. We’re all done with that now.”
“Oh, of course not!” Safeway replied somewhat defensively. “Just a little dinner.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
Clerk stumbled out of the room, followed shortly by Safeway, who was a bit nervous herself.
Flüshaht sighed. “It’s a date alright.”